"i love you, but i'm afraid to love you."

February 07, 2005

the biggest loser vs. stupid heartbreak

I feel like the biggest loser because I can't stop thinking about someone I haven't spoken to since New Year's Eve and who never returned my phone call almost a month ago.

But for some reason, the last week or so I just haven't been able to get him out of my head. And when I think about it I feel really heartbroken. Which is the worst part.

I never (I mean never) open up and let someone into my life. Not even as just friends, much less as more than friends. It's too scary, and I don't know, doesn't it just seem disappointing after a while when you find that you really can't trust or depend on many people?

Like Kristen has always said to me: "You think you know a guy." It's so stinking true. I don't know how (or why) people can hide the wretchedness that lies within themselves, but it really just seems, at this point, that just about everyone does hide their true essence. I think the WHY is more important. The motivation that lies behind an action has always interested me because I think it tells you a lot about a person. Uh, anyway. I don't know. I guess the main thing is:

Well, I can't decide if I'm more disappointed

It's just that I really felt a strong connection with this guy. It just seemed so RIGHT for us to be together.

I've only felt such a connection with one other guy, and I never got to know him well enough to find out what that was all about.

Considering I spent a full ten days in contact with J before I had to fly back to NY, the chances are I can't (logically) truly care about him that much.

So maybe I'm just worried I won't ever feel that connection--that feeling of "this is so right; this is so perfect; this is exactly where I should be" again. Or that I'm always gonna be alone. Perish the thought, right? I know.

And of course there's the whole being hurt thing. I don't feel dumb or anything. Just sad that he (logically) (and obviously) doesn't really feel exactly the way I thought he did about me. I mean, that sucks, of course. But it's not the main thing that consumes my thoughts. Really I just miss talking to him.

And at some point (OK, not long ago, actually), I would've felt like a big loser that he doesn't care about me that much (or at all; whatever, let's minimalize the hurt, OK?). But I don't this time. I really just feel sad that I can't talk to him or be with him. (Well, OK, I know he lives 1500 miles away, but you know what I mean about "being with," I think.) I don't mean be with him today.

***

OK, well all of that was written on the train/bus ride home from work tonight, and that's where I stopped. Phew. Enough of that anyway. I mean for real. I feel much better right now, at least I did before I copied all that from my moleskine. (lol.)

see, look how happy i am: