May 22, 2005

spilling my dumb guts.

ok, i don't know what's going on with galaxy and bonypony, but i am NOT happy. these are two of my favorite people, and they just keep having to deal with this retarded SHIT because some LOSER has ZERO LIFE. note: i don't have much of a life myself, but what makes me NOT a LOSER is the fact that i don't try to drag down the rest of the world with me, trying to make people i don't even know miserable. what kind of sick person DOES things like that? i just don't know. but it makes me sick.

and now for something completely different. this is a letter i wrote a looooong time ago, knowing as i wrote it, that i would never send it. here it is, the sap and mush and ridiculousness that is being a woman:

T—

I remember the first time I ever saw you. It was sometime in fall 2001 at the first After Dark meeting. When I walked into the room, my eyes landed directly on yours. Oh my god, I said out loud. Who is that? Kara told me your name. She already knew you. You were dating one of her sorority sisters. Oh. Great.

Rehearsals began and we finally formally met. We sat in the back seats of Waco Hall, and Bill kept trying to ask me out, but all I could think was, Go away. Go away. I wanted you. To look at you, to talk to you, to know you. And I began to do those things.

Then came performances. Between our two shows that night I ran into you and your parents in the lobby. The four of us must have talked for an hour, till I had to go backstage again. Your mother was in love with me. She praised my talent, asked me infinite questions, ate up my answers, spilled about your talent, your interests, your general wonderfulness. You were shocked that we had a piano in our apartment, which turned out to be right across the street from yours. Our porches faced each other, we discovered. I can see your porch swing from my front door, you told me with a grin. Yet we had never met before. Your mother said you should come and play our piano, and I agreed wholeheartedly. During intermission I heard you perform, and you shone, just like the first time I laid eyes on you. You actually had me awestruck. I didn’t know that actually happened. But you weren’t free. I couldn’t get caught in the middle. And we both knew it, so we let it be.

A couple of months later I found myself in line at the Payroll office at the Tower across I-35. I should have gone to pick up my check from the show weeks before, but I kept putting it off. Putting off money? I know. Must have been really busy. I had finally made it to the front of the line and the lady was handing me my check when someone called my name. You. I turned around to see your beautiful eyes again. It was a shock and a blessing and what seemed to be a sign. You asked me to wait for you, and I did. Of course. I was always waiting. We walked to the parking lot together making small talk. How’ve you been, etc. You had gone to your frat’s formal in Dallas that weekend, and I asked how it went. It was kind of strange. My girlfriend and I broke up. Shock. Well, ex-girlfriend now. I see. I quickly recovered. Oh, I’m sorry. I said. (Can’t say I was really sorry, but it’s not like you believed me anyway.) But you said Don’t be. It definitely wasn’t working between us. Oh. Oh again. And then I was off down 35 North to visit the family back home.

But then we started running into each other all over the place. Mainly by the fountain after French and before Physics, which I was nearly always planning to skip. You introduced me to your friends. Hey, you wanna get breakfast? You asked. Of course I did. So we spent the rest of the morning together, and you finally did what I had been waiting for you to do for so long. Well…sort of. You played my piano. Ha, ha. And it was great. You were great. It was amazing. And everything was right in the world.

But things are never right for very long, and something happened. Maybe you got back together with her. Wouldn’t surprise me. Happens all the time. But I never found out. In the spring I transferred, I moved to New York, and I never saw you to tell you that I was leaving. I told myself that you’d probably forgotten anyway, but there was something different between us. I could see it in your eyes. I had seen it in your eyes that first time I looked into them.

It had been almost two years since we’d seen each other. I got an update email from a band from back then, and your name was on the list of band members. Oh. What? So I wrote to you, and I wondered if you’d even remember. But you did. Of course I remember. You were so glad to hear from me. You’d been thinking about me because auditions for After Dark had just passed, and you wondered whatever happened to me. Well, here I am. And there you are. And I wonder if things will ever be right in the world again. I’m afraid that they won’t be right without you.

Still waiting,
--Gayla

the reason i'm sharing this is well, i'm not completely sure. mainly because it's something (someone) i've been thinking about the last week or so. all of the sudden, out of nowhere, he crept back into my mind. it doesn't matter how foolish i feel when i think of him, wonder if he ever thinks about me, i can still never quite get rid of him for good. but really, if he knew that i ever thought these things, i'm pretty sure he'd think i was psycho, a nutcase, completely off. but i'm not really. it's not like i'm in LOVE with him AT ALL by ANY means. i guess back at that time when i first met him, i was enamored with the IDEA of him, or of someone who i knew was different from most people i'd met so far. especially at baylor. most kids there were exactly the same (in more than one way). so really he was just refreshing. i know that my feelings are silly, that they're not actually REAL feelings, because i never even KNEW him, really. but it did seem like fate (or circumstance or something) kept bringing us together, over and over again. but i don't necessarily buy into the whole "everything happens for a reason" shit anymore, anyway. so there. i've discounted myself completely now. the day after he had popped into my mind again (after not thinking of him for a VERY long time--i usually go about 6 months to a year before i remember he exists), i got an update email from his band. it did seem ironic, but you know, like i said: fate. a bunch of bullshit, i think. lol. it would be ideal if i could forget he ever WAS, really. very helpful. why can't i ever be normal? i swear, i'm very dumb sometimes.

blueavenue at 8:53 p.m.

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