May 03, 2005

staring blankly in the dark.

pfft! it's freaking almost 4:30 in the morning, and i absolutely canNOT sleep. i'd been laying there forever, it seems, and i finally just got up, went to the restroom, and poured myself a little pink teacup of milk. (isn't milk supposed to make you sleepy or something?) so here i am.

i was lying awake (is it just me, or do i still not know the proper way to use the word lay? lie? layed, i mean laid?), just thinking about all kinds of shit. there is just TOO much to think about. whether or not the agency is going to call me to work tomorrow, and if they don't what i'll do with the day. and i'm so irritated because kim is taking some girls down (up? geography no es bueno) to Boston to see her boyfriend's show (he's in a touring company of a musical). they're driving down tomorrow afternoon and coming back wednesday afternoon, and i REALLY WANT TO GO, dammit. first of all, i've never met her dadgum boyfriend, and i want to. we're always hearing all about each other, and it's just high time we met each other, that's all. second of all, i've always wanted to see Boston, and i never have, dammit. so i just feel...irritated. i mean this is just the worst time ever. i have no job, and i have no way to pay my rent next month, and my internet gave out today when i was trying to send out a plethora of resumes, so i'm not where i'd like to be in the job applying department. you know, on my quest to apply for every "assistant" job in the new york metro area. i even stooped to the low of browsing the "retail/food" section on craigslist tonight. sigh. i don't know that i could ever wait tables again. the thought is truly depressing. lol. it was a great learning experience for a while, and then it just sucked. horribly.

anyway, there is just too much to think about is the point. and i can't stop. thinking about all of it. i. hate. this.

"I had nothing to offer anybody but my own confusion." --Jack Kerouac

I read that tonight in On the Road. it's a great book so far. i can't believe i'm not even halfway through it yet, it seems to be taking a while. but his writing is really incredible, very different. he has a great way of saying things, describing things, and he spends a lot of time describing his friends, mainly how they behave. it's REALLY interesting.

God, this organic, fat-free milk is to die for. if you haven't tried it, i beseech ye. it rules, and it doesn't expire for like 2 months or something crazy like that. i bought two gallons so i don't have to go back to the grocery store for one item. whee!

well. i don't have anything else to say right now. silence. that is shocking. hmm. i'm nearly finished with my milk, anyway, so i guess i'll try laying (lying?) down again. sigh. why don't i have more answers? i got an email today from a guy wanting answers, and i don't have them for him either. how can i give him answers when i don't even have them for myself? geez.

well, i sure don't feel sleepier now. maybe writing was a bad idea? poople.

blueavenue at 4:26 a.m.

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