April 08, 2005

another one of those 'what's the meaning of life?' entries

a quote, because you know how i love quotes:

"Now, I ask you: Is there justice to this life at all? Or maybe the question should be: Is life even supposed to make sense? Or maybe we shouldn't bother trying to figure it out, just go about our business tripping over it like that crack in the sidewalk that sends you flying in an embarrassing way and when you look back to see what tripped you, and everybody's looking at you, there's nothing there."

--from Ana Castillo's "Loverboys"

So anyway. How do you ever really know your own motivation behind things? how you ever truly know that you're making a decision for the right reason? how do i know i'm not running away from something or someone because i'm scared?

there are approximately 604 thoughts coursing through my mind right now (which explains why i'm still awake at this unGodly hour), and i haven't been able to get them to calm down enough to survey myself for any normal, rational thoughts.

my nose itches. it's warm outside (comparitively; humor me, people), but it's been raining all night. and i seemed to have lost my umbrella. (not good.) that umbrella was decently expensive (for an umbrella). i want to go to sleep and not wake up for 3 days unless it's to squeeze in a few SATC episodes. i thought i was NEVER going to get home from work tonight. the freaking train. kept. stopping. AGH.

one of these days my anger (pent up much?) is going to burst out from within me, and i'd venture a guess that it's not going to be a good thing. i hate sneezing. but not as much as i hate hiccups. hiccups are hideous things, they are.

i'm thinking of taking a mini-vacation w/K to harrisburg/hershey PA at the end of this month while she's on spring break. i get hotel discounts, you know. go me. it's about the ONLY plus of this job. right now i wish a couple of things.

1. that i was still in school so that i could take short trips places and not worry about getting fired

and 2. that i could up and move to italy, no questions, no qualms. just up and go. not forever, just for a year or so. get a job (maybe the holiday inn would hire me! HA), live, work, play, eat, learn italian...mmm. that couldn't sound more appealing right now if it TRIED. i swear. there is something to be said about picking up and moving your life, starting it all over, as if the old you never existed. a rebirth, and a slew of new, completely fresh, scary but exciting experiences to think of. sometimes fear can be good. or healthy. or something.

something ELSE that can be good: sleep.

blueavenue at 3:54 a.m.

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