July 12, 2005

some pics and a whole lotta nuthin (besides the pics).

phew. life is crazy. and sad and exciting and scary and precious and yeah. full of decisions, which i hate.

so i've decided to unlock my diary for the time being. (as you probably noticed. ha.)

i'm tired of worrying about what people think about me. i'm tired of being upset when someone doesn't like me. i'm tired of trying to win everyone i know. some people can't be won. i am learning to live with that. i am becoming more OK with that "you can't please everyone" mantra. i should recite it daily.

this is my diary, and while it IS posted online, so technically the whole world can read it, fine. let them read it. have at it, world. though it's not really interesting enough to warrant such readership, is it? so, it being my diary, i'm entitled to write whatever i want. and if someone out there ends up reading something on here that they disagree with or find annoying or bitchy or immature or self-loathing or self-obsessive or narcissistic, then great. no one cares. i don't care. and you don't even REALLY care. you just think you do. really, you're probably just bored or irritated that life sucks. but wake up: we're all irritated that life sucks. because it sucks in different ways for everyone, i promise.

so this is not by any means a bible of my life. what is written here is only a FRACTION of my life, a tiny smidgeon of who i am, and even sometimes the PICTURES don't look like me. it's all just a big pile of nothings, really. but they're MY nothings, and i need to be free to put them out here. so i am. i will. i am. thanks for listening/reading.

onto the rest.

i am really loving my job. well, i don't really like that the last 2 days i've worked from 9:30 to 8:30, but the fact that i actually DID that should really say something. this job is the job of all jobs. i find it so incredibly bizarre that it's across the street from the stock exchange, because i waltz out of the subway with shorts, a tank top, and flip flops next to all the 3-piece suits, and well, it's just odd.

there's a supercute boy named stewart at work. we spend lots of time flirting on instant messenger. well, when we're not working, anyway, because both of us work a LOT. today i wore this really hot top to "close the deal," and let me tell you: it's closed. the first time i wore that shirt, it solicited looks from every man that passed me, so i figured it'd do the trick. i know this shirt is sounding whorish right now, but it actually doesn't show ANYthing except shoulders. it looks like a long camisole; it's just that it has a lot of skin color in it, so it resembles skin. lol. anyway. heh. i know how bad of an idea it is to get involved with people you work with, don't worry. (remember: i wrote about this very thing not long ago.) it's all good, 'cuz i'm not actually getting involved. as my best friend kristen once said long, long ago, when we were but wee ones, "looking is not shopping, and shopping is not buying." besides, gives me something to look forward to every day.

texas was good. i went to rob's wedding, saw a few (very few) old friends, and felt a little out of place. here is a vague picture of what i looked like:

a little better, and closer:

Schlitterbahn was great, as usual. i got a little sun, and even got a little burned on my back. i have a faint tan line on my chest from my straps now. it ain't pretty. =)

my sister's kids are too, too funny. with 4 of them, at least one of them is always saying something hilarious or outlandish. they are too cute.

in other exciting news, my youngest nephew showed up to our father's day/my oldest nephew's 18th b-day celebration wearing a t-shirt that read "I'm going to be a brother!"

so that's exciting. they have a few names picked out if it's a girl, and they're not sure about boys names yet. i'm excited for them. i wish i hadn't been an only child. (confusing, i know, since i always talk about my brothers and sister, but they're all half-siblings, and i basically grew up by myself. i'm my mom's only child. and yes i was spoiled.) anyway, i think being an only child isn't something i would purposely choose for my own child. so anyway.

it's been so long, i feel like; i'm trying to remember things so i can write about them!

my oldest bro and his wife are having a house built a little outside the city, and he took me out there to see the property, show me some of the other houses, etc. it is going to be really nice, and they're excited, so that's cool. the thing is, it's just crazy when you compare houses there to houses in NY. the house i live in now (in the basement shithole, mind you) would probably cost $500,000-$600,000. and this house is shit. i live in a very blue collar neighborhood (i'm not dissing, i'm just saying), the house is connected, it's too narrow to be able to arrange any furniture decently, and it's in piss-poor condition. not to mention you can't park your cars in the driveway because it's too narrow. and there are no yards. obviously. this is new york city. but anyway, back in TX, if you were to spend $500,000, you could EASILY have a mansion. i mean, we're talking high class, huge-ass, swimming pool, gameroom, 3.5 baths, 3 car garage, etc.

the point is, i will never buy a house in new york.

what am i even talking about? i'm just wasting time, not really sure. i am very distracted by life today. too much to think about.

you can view more pics HERE.

i wish i wasn't so behind on diaries. the TX trip threw me off a little, and then, like i said, i've been working long hours. and God knows i can't spend time on d-land at work, cuz God forbid i get dooced. that'd be real bad.

the people at work think i'm crazy/entertaining. they make fun of my accent sometimes. and then sometimes i demonstrate what it would sound like if my DAD said those words, and they relent. mainly because they're laughing, but still. why are people so fascinated by accents? i am the same way. love 'em. also, i make some of the strangest, most contorted faces known to man. apparently. K and i watched some home movies the other night, and i am just so bizarre with my faces. i could never be a newscaster. haha. anyway.

gotta get to bed soon, i'm exhausted. sigh. tomorrow is bowling again. i hope i'm up for it. my throat started hurting really badly last night, and it's still bothering me. hope i'm not getting sick again. hope it's just allergies.

i really wish i had something more clever or exciting to say here, since it's been so dadgum long since i've written, but it's just not coming. sorry to disappoint.

goodnight all.

blueavenue at 11:22 p.m.

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