April 15, 2005

little girl blue

i have had it. i am back. with a vengeance. i have no idea what i'm talking about, but i'm feeling fierce right now. damn these employers. i worked a shitty, god-awful job for 3 months and i deserve to get something back for it. i hate people. angry sigh.

ok. there are some crazy things going on, all the while me trying to avoid them. ha. avoidance is my middle name, you know. if i ignore it, maybe it will go away... you'd think it would be easier for me to figure out what it is that I want. what do I WANT? just doesn't seem like too hard a question, but for the love of God, it is. i don't freaking know.

i've lived in this whole music cocoon for so many years now, eating, sleeping, breathing music, that now, when i try to separate myself from that: the idea of a career in music, i have no clue what to do with myself. none. journalism, i think. that's my only other skill: writing. so grad school? for journalism? but am i good enough to be able to get a JOB after that? ugh.

well, how about teaching, then? i could see myself teaching englsh, i think. i love english. i love books; i get excited about them, and i want everyone to read the books i like so we can talk about them. and i think about my english teacher in high school and how great she was; a life-changing teacher in a way. i could do that, maybe. plus, it's hard to overlook those summers off. for travel, maybe, time with kids.

but which one do i WANT? see? no clue. i've spent my life trying to make everyone like me, to make everyone happy (not that i'm not still selfish, mind you); i don't know what it is that would make ME happy. WTF? i am lost. so, so lost. and my dad is ready for answers. now. like, now. he wants me to pack up and move back, and soon. like next week. i said that wasn't really going to happen, which is why i'm trying to find a job, even a temporary one.

i can't just up and leave like that. not new york. i have to say goodbye. you know, do it properly. not that i'm for sure leaving, but when i do, you know. eventually. i'll never be like, ok, i'm moving next week. just not going to happen. misery.

little girl blue. that's me. shit.

blueavenue at 4:30 p.m.

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