April 24, 2005

all i need to know about life i learned from Diaryland.

on monday my best friend and i are taking a mini-holiday to pennsylvania. it's going to be fantastic. i haven't looked forward to something so much in i don't know how long. but long. we're staying at a 4-star hotel at the employee rate of $39 a night. this is THRILLING. i think the regular rate is about $150. so this makes me ultra-happy. yes, i lost my job for having a weak constitution, but i am at least reaping one small benefit for the 3 lousy months i spent catering to traveling pricks with loud, harsh mouths. anyway.

we're going to do all sorts of fun things, like get a pedicure at the hershey spa and go to gettysburg, and fun, silly things like that, and i'm thrilled. i'm so down about myself lately that it will be really nice to just focus on fun for a few days.

when i went into the hotel to get my paycheck and talk to the woman who got me the job in the first place, i had the sudden, alarming realization that i've wasted the last (at least) year of my life. like, wasted. no exaggeration. and that is...well, depressing. i mean, i honestly can hardly believe it's been nearly a YEAR since i graduated. a year since i totalled K's car and was limping around, going to physical therapy for my knee. heh. i mean, there's no point in dwelling on it, obviously, 'cause i can't change that now (the car accident OR the waste). the only thing i can do is take action, any action, and make something happen in my life. so that's what i'll do.

and i don't know, quite yet, exACTly what that action will be. i think it will most likely involve more school.
K said something to me last night that i'd never really considered before. she reminded me that i've been writing my whole life. i mean, i was writing before i was singing, no doubt about that. i can see myself in the first grade, at daycare after school, writing stories about garfield. (i don't know why about garfield, i just really liked him. i had all his comic books.) and in 2nd grade i started in on my stories about "gayla's gang." lol. silly, but hey. i was writing. so maybe, she said, we really are meant to do certain things. and you're drawn to it as a child, before you even know why. so that makes sense, i guess. anyway. i'm just rambling, thinking.

a lot to think about, i suppose. one day at a time, i'm supposed to think about. i focus too much on the long term. if i could just get to tomorrow, a few tomorrows, you know?

on another note, i am very upset by the recent happenings over at galaxy's diary. she is a very sensitive person, and she has been hurt, and this makes me truly sad, because it's just a diary, it's just writing, it's nothing for anyone to get so worked up about. i mean, i can never imagine leaving a negative comment for anyone about his or her diary, because, well, frankly, who cares? i would never want to make ANYone feel anything but good about themselves, because let's face it: everyone we know has his or her hard days, days where they could use a kind word, just something that says, i think you're cool, or interesting, or pretty, or nice, or funny, or whatever. i know i can. every single kind word that someone says to me on diaryland makes me grin. and maybe it's silly to care what anyone thinks, but dammit, ya'll. i've got PLENTY of people and things who make me feel like shit in the world. i don't need anyone ELSE to do that, am i right?

i'm here to get my words out, to talk, to write about the good and the bad and the nothings that lie somewhere in between, and it's for ME. yes, i love when people leave comments, because it DOES brighten my day. but at the end of the day, this is MINE. it's for ME. and that's why, even though i know that sometimes it's boring here, that sometimes i complain too much, whine too much, give too much information, or give not much at all when i'm feeling more secretive, even though i sometimes think, well, THIS entry SUCKS, i still write the sucky entries. because it's MINE and i CAN. and it's OK to be selfish, dammit, because that's the POINT.

and i was never the popular, pretty girl in high school. i wasn't the "nerd" who got made fun of all the time, either, but i was a very late bloomer, all-around, including my appearance. but i also don't begrudge the popular girls, because frankly, the ones i know about aren't all too happy these days. they've got their own shit to deal with. we ALL do, right? i mean i know i've got my own issues, plenty i don't even write about on here because well, let's face it: some shit is just too shitty. but i don't blame other people for my shit, 'cause it's mine.

i don't really know where i'm going with this rant. i guess i just wanted to say thanks to all you who read this. i know plenty of you also read galaxy, so you know what's going on, and we ARE a kind of community in a way. now it's like someone's burglarized our little subdivision, lol. but anyway, i like our little community, and i appreciate all the kind words and encouragement i've received over the last...nearly 3 years since i've been here. so thanks.

and do me a favor, anyone who ever reads this and thinks i'm annoying or self-obsessed (because maybe i am--yes i know i've posted lots of pictures of myself in the past) or negative, or ugly, or unamusing: FUCK OFF. i don't care. and neither should you.

♥ Gayla

blueavenue at 2:38 a.m.

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