December 26, 2004

so this is christmas...

i don't know why, but i feel a little guilty because i've been hatin' on christmas this year. i don't know if it's because the whole gift-extravaganza is beating me down or because i feel like i have to be eight places at once and be cheerful and help my siblings solve all of their issues among themselves and not make anyone feel neglected and tell everyone what i'm doing in new york which is kind of nothing, really, and because i am just so incredibly confused about life right now. ???

what do i want? i can't figure it out. K has sometimes wondered to me why more people don't just speak up about what they want so they'll get it. she seems to have no trouble with that, which is one of the many things i admire about her. i never know how to answer her, because i'm one of those people who simply gives everyone else whatever they want. seems easier or something. maybe it's because i honestly can't decide what I really want. or maybe i'm afraid to decide. the trouble with making a decision is that in choosing one thing you lose another, or everything else. seriously. what is wrong with me?

being in Texas this time has felt completely different from every other time i've visited since i moved to new york. why? i can't exactly figure that out, either. (i know i'm sounding ridiculously clueless and searching and juvenile right now, but that's how i feel.) how is it possible to feel like a complete outsider and like this is just where i belong at the same time?

my friend who's been in japan for the last couple of years is here visiting for the first time since he left. "it's hard not to see moving back here as a step backward," he said. i couldn't have put it better. but you can't say that to people here; they'd be hurt, and they wouldn't understand that it's not personal, it's just a feeling of now knowing there's a whole different world out there, one most of the people here have never experienced and probably never will. and i can't explain to them the things i've experienced. you can tell stories and describe things and complain about things and muse about the different people, but you can see in their eyes that it doesn't really register.

i'm completely rambling, as usual, and i'm having trouble saying exactly what i want to say, just so you know. and my heart is beating fast, which means i'm worked up over this lost feeling. great.

and then there's J, who i've been falling in like with, and who seems pretty damn great, which is completely ridiculous and alarming and disarming and utterly inconvenient. i never like anyone, so what's this all about? it's hard to think about for too long.

on a lighter note, i've been pulling out gray hairs since i've gotten here. i know they say that when you pull one, two grow back in its place, but i simply cannot stop myself. when i see one shimmering proudly back at me in the mirror, i hunt it down and yank it out. they've been multiplying since i saw the first one six months ago. sigh.

something's wrong with my digital camera, but hopefully i'll have a few pictures to post when i get back to new york. why do i feel like i'm going to cry? i really hope something doesn't set me off when the family's here tomorrow evening. that would really be the icing on the cake that doesn't exist. deep breaths. yes.

well, don't mind me and my bah humbugs and depressing state: i genuinely wish all of you out there a wonderful christmas or whatever other equally winter holiday you may be celebrating. all the best, and next time i promise to have more "christmas cheer." or something.

blueavenue at 11:48 p.m.

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