July 26, 2005

lists, whining, and more whining.

good news:

-we found an apartment yesterday. and it's awesome.
-we were approved without a co-signer. (thank God. that's about the last thing i needed held over my head at this point.)
-less than a week before we move into the apt. (and out of my parents' house).
-i ordered all of my transcripts today.
-it's really fun to sing (in an operatic voice) "God Bless America" while switching from the high octave to the octave below it at the end of each phrase. (although wayne the cat doesn't really like it too much.)
-central air.
-this whole experience is probably going to provide me with a lot of things to write about.

bad news:

-i'm fatter now than when i left new york a week ago.
-i feel like crying all the time, but i never do because i don't like crying.
-it's hotter than hell here, and it's making me lethargic.
-i don't actually have any furniture for our apt. (other than my mattress)
-i hate everything. and nearly everyone. i'm in full-time bitch mode, and i can't seem to find my way out.
-i don't have a car to drive yet, and i'm not sure what i'm going to do about that.
-my family makes me want to jump off a cliff sometimes, regardless of how much i love them. (i guess that's normal.)
-i can't get the secretary at the graduate school to email me back, and her phone is always busy.
-i'm supposed to take the GRE a week from Thursday. (i think.)
-i need to get together my stupid portfolio, and my computer and all its documents are currently making their way across the country in some truck.
-i'm tired of (as bestfriendK puts it) "having bibles thrown at me every day."
-this whole experience is probably going to make me very angry for some reason.

i need to get over it. what? whatever.

i'm just staring at the little green light blinking on the modem. blink.blink.blink. sigh. everything just feels very overwhelming right now. there's too much to think about. too much adjusting to do. too much "real life" to deal with. it's much easier when you can just pretend real life doesn't exist, isn't it?

there's a box of invisible tape on top of the computer desk. funny that they call it that. i'm going out to see what's in the garage; see if there's any of my stuff that i might want/need. i can't decide if i'd rather get accepted into grad school and have something else to do for a while or not get accepted and be able to get a full-time job. hard to say. i think school would be nice for a while, but i could be completely wrong. lol. oh well. only one way to find out. at least if i get rejected i know it won't be the end of the world. i'll just have more money.

i should probably stop typing soon. i'm thinking of moving my diary elsewhere, and K may follow. we need some privacy. privacy is good. but if that happens, there will be warning and follow-up info. no worries. not that you were. but yeah. anyway.

knowing someone is dying sucks really bad. just as a side note. poor K. it's really really crappy, and it's not fair. but she is really hurting, and it sucks to see her that way. she is normally so full of life, one of those people who goes goes goes till she drops. always busy, baking, cleaning, working, laughing, shopping, smiling. and now mostly she just has to rest. i just hate to see it. she is a really great woman. and too young. it's just not fair. but then, there's life. most things aren't fair i've realized. something or someone is always letting you down or disappointing you or reminding you that things will never be the way you want them to be.

i need to make some music before i go truly crazy. or is it too late?

blueavenue at 7:18 p.m.

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