April 29, 2005

the straw that broke the camel's back.

pennsylvania ruled. it was amazingly gorgeous. i had no idea. more on this later, and also: about a million pictures.

things right now are absolutely crazy. i have all kinds of things going on. all having to do with finding a job. it would be really helpful if my Dad had given me a BIT more warning (on the whole cutting me off to force me to move back to Texas thing); I could've used a couple of months to secure myself a real job here. finding a dependable job here is not the easiest thing. but anyway, that's what i'm trying to do. yes, in a lot of ways i'm ready to go back. but in some ways i'm just not. i want to go back because i WANT to, not because i have no choice. and right now, i'm having no choice (unless i find a job). i completely understand why my dad is cutting me off (it had to be done eventually, and he's a saint for helping me out for so long), and i'm glad he did, because it's forcing me to get my shit in gear. i just wish he would have given me more warning. i don't know. i am so nervous right now, because i don't know (yet) how i'm going to pay my rent next month. but i have faith. i don't think i'll have trouble getting some temp work, at least, and if i have to get a 2nd part time job to make ends meet, then that's what i'll have to do. it's not the end of the world, and it's not forever.

my friend in jersey has offered me her place to stay and to work as an intern at she and her mom's public relations firm, but i don't know if they'd be able to pay me anything, so not only would that involve figuring out where to put my shit, but i'd probably have to find another part-time job as well. and how long would i stay there, and would i be able to get a media job after that? i don't know. there is too much to think about right now. i have about 6 hundred phone calls i should be returning to friends and such, but i can't even think about that stuff right now.

i have never been so stressed out in my life. at least not that i can remember. i could use some anxiety medicine right now. sigh. i just canNOT relax. and i won't be able to until i know more. i also have to tell my dad i'm trying to find a job, and he's not going to take this well. i hate being yelled at, but i know he will. he can't help it; it's genetic. he doesn't know how to speak at a normal volume when he gets worked up or frustrated. i try to remember it's not personal. i know he wants what's best for me, and he's worried i won't be able to make my way for myself up here. it IS freaking expensive, after all. he's worried i won't get my life started before he's retired and will have no WAY to help me out, even if he wanted. so he's worried about that. i understand. who wouldn't be? i'm a mess.

i didn't always used to be this way. i used to be about the most successful, driven person i can think of. yes, i have wasted (at least) the last year of my life. i feel like a loser for that. i feel like i've wasted most of my (nearly) 3 years in new york, to be honest. yes, i graduated from college. great. but i haven't really done much of anything else. and of course i've learned a lot, i've grown as a person, i've learned so much emotionally, i've changed, i've this and that, and i escaped the south, which i needed to do. i needed to break free from all that is inherent down there and see who i am apart from it all. and i have. and i am better for it. more people should move far, far away from where they grew up. you learn a lot about yourself and about everyone else.

it's like, i knew there was a whole world out there, apart from me, but i didn't really know until i saw it. really saw it.

so my point is, yes, i feel pretty loser-ish right now, but no, i would never discount my new york experience just because i haven't made myself completely grown-up/independent yet. i want to be proud of myself, and i know i've put it off, too scared of the real world, scared of failure (i guess--i was always so successful when i was younger, it's a hard thing to recognize that i might not succeed at something). i guess it really is hard to go from being the big fish in the small pond, to the opposite. it's hard to go from feeling important to feeling like you couldn't be more inconsequential if you TRIED. ah well. it's a good lesson to learn, a good thing to realize. there will always be someone out there who is better, smarter, more talented, better looking, or just plain richer. dammitalltohell. i want to be the best! what's a girl to do? i swear. i didn't mean for this to be such a downer. lol.

i didn't realize it was so freaking late. shit. i was trying to catch up on all the diaries i missed while i was out of town. there are too many! alas!

i swear i'll be back soon with details on the trip, pictures, and something happier than this.

and tell me this: have you ever lied on your resume'? if so, was it a small lie, like a little embellishment of your skills, or a big lie, like what degree you got (or didn't actually get)? you can remain anonymous if you HAVE to. =)

love ya'll!

♥ Gayla

blueavenue at 4:02 a.m.

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