July 07, 2003

Fear and other undesirables

I'm worried about my Dad. I worry that he may not make it through another operation, despite his high "estimated percentage of survival." (The fact that they inform you what your chance of surviving is seems like a bad sign period.) I worry that he may not walk me down the aisle or live to be the grandpa of my children. I worry that I will resent my brothers and sister because he is already the grandpa of their kids. I'm afraid some of this is my fault. What kind of 22 year old has never had a real relationship?

I'm afraid of so many things I probably couldn't even think of or list all of them. I'm afraid of failing, of letting myself down (not to mention everyone else), of being hurt again, of people in general. I can't trust. I've been running away from life as far back as I can remember. Why can't I just accept that bad things happen? That bad people happen? And just live my life like a normal person. Why do I keep shutting out the world? I try to act like I'm letting people in or going out on a limb, but I can't remember the last time I took a risk. Moving here would count, I guess. Subconsciously I think I'm in control of things. If I keep everything and everyone at bay then I am in control no matter what. But who am I kidding? By blocking everyone out I'm missing everything. The good stuff. I suck. Why do I feel so stuck in this place? I want to just change my mindset, but I've no idea how to do it. Help.

blueavenue at 6:06 pm

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