July 14, 2003

the story of J

//I hope you're happy. Kind of.//

**character descriptions:

J: the subject of this entry, we were friends, i was in love with him, he ditched me

Nick: he was J's best friend, he became one of my good friends, we dated shortly after i'd broken ties with J

Nine A: my best friend in college and sorority sista

M: my other best friend at the time

***

i actually don't think about this very often, but i spoke with nick on the phone the other day, and now i feel the need to tell you how much dislike i have for J. and how it's strange because deep down i also hope he's happy (highly unlikely with his personality type and malfuntions).

but alas, i get ahead of myself. all of this happened...let's see...(a long time ago)...well, when i was a sophomore in college, and i got accepted into J's voice studio (the supposed best at the university--goody) and he encouraged me to audition for the extra-curric choir he was in. Oddly, this was the precise choir in which i had seen him as a soloist the year before and had consequently declared to my friend Nine A that i would marry him.

So here i was less than a year later, actually meeting this fantasy, this dream, this perfect specimen of a male college student. he was the talk of the music school and the school in general to some degree. J started to befriend me, to show interest in who i was, what i did, what i wanted to do. he told me how talented i was. he began calling me to hang out. to study together, to just drive around together, to catch a bite together. oh my god. it was surreal. but also not.

i should note that at this point in my life i was not myself. i was trying to adopt a foreign sense of self to fit into the gap-and-a&f-wearing-look-what-my-daddy-bought-me-isn't-my-new-bmw-cute-who-needs-a-scholarship students who surrounded me. i was not me, therefore i was not comfortable with me. therefore i lacked the self-confidence that men (boys in this case) are attracted to. so sue me.

regardless, i was in love with this guy. or at least i felt like i was. and he seemed to be interested. one night we sang the concert in which i'd anonymously declared my love for him a year earlier, and i told him. i told him that i had told nine A that i was gonna marry him. and he just grinned. really? he said. really. and then he was dropping me off at my place and i mentioned that my parents had drove in for the concert and were there waiting for me. he was like, your parents are here?! and he jumped out of the car and proceeded to meet them and be excited about it. what? who does those things when you're "just friends?" who drives you to the practice rooms and plays and sings a song they wrote to you, staring at you the whole time when they want to just be your friend?

J does. J has issues. he is friend-faulty. he has this need within him to feel wanted and cared about and desired, so he goes after that. he makes it happen. and then when he's got you, and he knows he's got you, he retreats. fast, and acting all along like nothing's going on. he doesn't tell you he's going to retreat and stop calling you and start ignoring you in public. this person who was one of your closest friends, who you trusted with your biggest secret and hurt, he leaves. and he doesn't look back. and that hurts. and to top it all off, after abandoning me, J moved on to M. he began to befriend her (on the choir's trip to Mexico, no less, when she should have been hanging out with ME). and she fell for it, because her self-esteem sucks (though it shouldn't, because she is perfectly wonderful). and that hurt, too. and to feed her own problems and self-esteem, M talked about her new friendship with J a little too much for my comfort. and that hurt, too.

now i know, though. it wasn't personal. but that almost makes it worse. it means maybe he never did care about me. never wanted to learn more about who i was, never really cared how well i sing. just needed to use me to make him feel better. well, i would say, well, i hope it worked. i hope it was worth it. but i know it didn't work, and i know he's probably not happy. he'll probably never be. J is a CHRONIC faulty-friend. after my own experience with him, i was approached by several people who had been dealt the same hand by J. And not just girls. guys, too. people who had thought he was their best friend; he had loved and left them, too. what a strange guy.

when people are messed up to that degree where nothing will ever be good enough, i wonder what it is that happened to them way back then, and why it is they don't tell someone about it. and now he's married. but i assure you that he has a longing deep down for something more. i just hope (sincerely) that he doesn't go looking for it.

blueavenue at 7:05 p.m.

previous | next